How Not To Kill Your Baby

Author: Jacob Sager Weinstein
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
ISBN: 9781449410391
Size: 11.23 MB
Format: PDF, Kindle
View: 14

"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me) "Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple." --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan) "The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." --Dennis Miller "If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons) Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever? If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice: * "As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets." * "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23." * "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!" * "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age." How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting. How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

How Not To Kill Your Baby

Author: Jacob Sager Weinstein
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
ISBN: 9781449409913
Size: 17.58 MB
Format: PDF, ePub
View: 70

A parody of fear-mongering child rearing manuals counsels parents on meticulously tracking a baby's bowel movements to prove U.S. citizenship, interrogating nursery school teachers, and raising one's voice in accordance with a child's age.

How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids

Author: Jancee Dunn
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 9780316267113
Size: 19.33 MB
Format: PDF, ePub, Mobi
View: 48

Featured in New York Magazine's The Strategist A hilariously candid account of one woman's quest to bring her post-baby marriage back from the brink, with life-changing, real-world advice. How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids tackles the last taboo subject of parenthood: the startling, white-hot fury that new (and not-so-new) mothers often have for their mates. After Jancee Dunn had her baby, she found that she was doing virtually all the household chores, even though she and her husband worked equal hours. She asked herself: How did I become the 'expert' at changing a diaper? Many expectant parents spend weeks researching the best crib or safest car seat, but spend little if any time thinking about the titanic impact the baby will have on their marriage - and the way their marriage will affect their child. Enter Dunn, her well-meaning but blithely unhelpful husband, their daughter, and her boisterous extended family, who show us the ways in which outmoded family patterns and traditions thwart the overworked, overloaded parents of today. On the brink of marital Armageddon, Dunn plunges into the latest relationship research, solicits the counsel of the country's most renowned couples' and sex therapists, canvasses fellow parents, and even consults an FBI hostage negotiator on how to effectively contain an "explosive situation." Instead of having the same fights over and over, Dunn and her husband must figure out a way to resolve their larger issues and fix their family while there is still time. As they discover, adding a demanding new person to your relationship means you have to reevaluate--and rebuild--your marriage. In an exhilarating twist, they work together to save the day, happily returning to the kind of peaceful life they previously thought was the sole province of couples without children. Part memoir, part self-help book with actionable and achievable advice, How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids is an eye-opening look at how the man who got you into this position in this first place is the ally you didn't know you had.

How Not To Kill

Author: Nealy Brown; Sarah Tierney; Shannon Hunt
Publisher:
ISBN: 9781478709046
Size: 17.84 MB
Format: PDF, ePub, Mobi
View: 75

"Out of all the relationship books I’ve read, this one's at the top of my list! The first book I would recommend to anyone. It's funny, inspiring, with incredibly powerful ideas." – Dr. Mike Nichols “The principles in this book have literally changed my life, and given me practical tools for every relationship. I am confident it can do the same for you, wherever you are on your journey." – Melissa Drobnak “This book gives hope to the hopeless relationship. Each chapter gets straight to the heart of relationship issues and provides the know how to make change happen.” – Chelsea Wells Filled with moments to make you laugh, stories to inspire you, and insights to find effective solutions, these pages contain tools for every relationship you face. Developed from decades of research and clinical experience, Dr. Nealy Brown has introduced thousands across the globe to these life changing truths. Learn how to navigate difficult situations, quickly end conflicts, and touch cold hearts, even in your most challenging relationships, through simple, practical methods. Discover true stories of people facing impossible bosses, shattered marriages, and distant kids, and the steps that lead to amazing relationships where you never before thought it was possible. Restore your marriage even after your spouse has walked out. Heal that relationship with your teenager who’s slipping away. Revive your work life in the job you dread to face each day. Strengthen your healthy relationships even further.

How Not To Kill Your Plants

Author: Nik Southern
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 9781473651142
Size: 16.10 MB
Format: PDF, Docs
View: 93

Hands up if you've killed a plant? Yep, me too. It's no secret that we've all become plant obsessed, but do we really understand how to look after them? I am not a Professor of Botany, but having run my florist and plant shop, Grace & Thorn, since 2011 I've learnt a few things along the way. HOW NOT TO KILL YOUR PLANTS is about taking the hocus-pocus out of plants and flowers and enabling you to understand a plant's needs in order to know where to place and how to style them, but most importantly how to keep them alive. I get asked every type of question you can imagine and I have written this book to answer them. Watering can down, it's time to go back to the roots. Keep it green. Nik x (AKA The Agony Plant)

New Ways To Kill Your Mother

Author: Colm Toibin
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
ISBN: 9781451668575
Size: 17.37 MB
Format: PDF, Docs
View: 30

In a brilliant, nuanced and wholly original collection of essays, the novelist and critic Colm Tóibín explores the relationships of writers to their families and their work. From Jane Austen’s aunts to Tennessee Williams’s mentally ill sister, the impact of intimate family dynamics can be seen in many of literature’s greatest works. Tóibín, celebrated both for his award-winning fiction and his provocative book reviews and essays, and currently the Mellon Professor in the Humanities at Columbia, traces and interprets those intriguing, eccentric, often twisted family ties in New Ways to Kill Your Mother. Through the relationship between W. B. Yeats and his father, Thomas Mann and his children, and J. M. Synge and his mother, Tóibín examines a world of relations, richly comic or savage in its implications. In Roddy Doyle’s writing on his parents, Tóibín perceives an Ireland reinvented. From the dreams and nightmares of John Cheever’s journals, Tóibín illuminates this darkly comic misanthrope and his relationship to his wife and his children. “Educating an intellectual woman,” Cheever remarked, “is like letting a rattlesnake into the house.” Acutely perceptive and imbued with rare tenderness and wit, New Ways to Kill Your Mother is a fascinating look at writers’ most influential bonds and a secret key to understanding and enjoying their work.